I’m not stressed
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Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Encore…
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.