Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me too 😆
I would move hell over six inches for you
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi