My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
You Might Also Like
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
what does he know…
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.