Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.