My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.