Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Animal poetry
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.