why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
You Might Also Like
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Rooting for the overdog
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?