Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My sex drive has a dui
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it