You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Lmfaoooooo
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”