Lmfaoooooo
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
A Short Story.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.