One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Hero horse inspires millions
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK