I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This is my pinned tweet
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.