If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
But wait…
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?