@WineMummy

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

You Might Also Like

@ozzyunc

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

@IHideFromMyKids

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

@a_simpl_man

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

@robdelaney

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

@kelkulus

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

@Tbone7219

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@Mr_goose007

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

@dsmitty_62

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!