@WineMummy

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

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@kentgrossarth

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

@Halbeerz

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

@JamieDMJ

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

@_wendyb07

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

@E_lok44

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

@badbanana

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.