*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.


6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.


I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.


People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership


My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.


Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.


Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.


Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!