*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem