*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”


DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!


After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies


Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.


Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”


Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*


Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.


Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.