My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
ok like just. call me at this point
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls