Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit