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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.