Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
cats when you pet them too long:
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet