[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Stop.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.