i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Saturday
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Every work call, he judges.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.