“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here