Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Clients after you give them your rates
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc