Clients after you give them your rates
![]()
You Might Also Like
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
What about second breakfast?
![]()
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
![]()
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
![]()
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish