ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.