My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
You Might Also Like
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I’m crying im so happy for them
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.