After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
ready to be harvested
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
hackers play passwordle
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*