*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.