If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
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What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
become ungovernable
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve