Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no