Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
You wish you had this many chins.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Pass gas, not judgment.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.