Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
School be like
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Childbirth is so beautiful
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.