“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger