WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.