me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked