Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
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ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.