me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.