Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
British websites use biscuits.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Salad is the decaf of food.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.