British websites use biscuits.
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[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
when you don’t want to be too vague
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.