[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
You Might Also Like
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”