Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Just me?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
stop
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?