Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
@funTweeters
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.