@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

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@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@donni

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

@broken_rhi

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

@HushJared

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

@Marlebean

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.