[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.