Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
This is me
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
wtf is an acronym
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”