lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”