Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
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Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him