[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
It was worth a shot 😂
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Monday
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.