why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools