Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Spring of Deception
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast