A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.