Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

all that yoga finally paid off

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶