A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
[even smaller panties underneath]
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“Fiona, You up?”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“Are you listening?”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak