my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂