condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was